its the little shit that fucks you up as a child. little common ordinary stuff that makes you wonder "Why don't i have that?". when i was a youngin [boy do i sound old sayin that shit] i realized that i didn't have a daddy and all the other kids did. that one thought fucked me all up. i wondered why he didn't want me, i cried myself to sleep over this countless nights as a kid. i felt rejected by my own flesh and blood. what i didn't realize until i got to my sophomore year of college was that he is the coward who couldn't handle his own responsibility so he ran like a little bitch. my mom never told me anything about him voluntarily and its so hard to ask her anything about him because i get really emotional about it and start crying. all i got out of her was a name, Edward Hill. everything else i know about him i got from my grandma: the fact that he left when i was two and before that my paternal grandmother would take me shoppin and shit, i got my height from him and he lives/lived in new jersey [if you have any serious info on this nigga
email me]
my mom said one time that she knows what its like to grow up without a father and i've heard that shit before from other individuals whose fathers aren't in the household but its not the fucking same. you know what your father looks like, you've talked to him, know where he's at [for the most part]. so don't give me that i know what its like shit. i have a question mark on my family tree. i have only one side to my family. you may have experienced that single parent home but not that 'i don't know my father' shit. its NOT the same so don't think it is.
recently...this is on some self diagnosis shit...i've been thinkin about my reluctance to let a nigga truly know how i feel about shit. i've let guys in but only to the kiddie pool, not the deep end. i won't let any men in like that because i don't want that rejection again. this is all subconsciously of course.
oh and i know i aint the only person feelin like this and i aint sayin "poor me, this shit is only happenin to me" all haters with remarks can exit stage left
i need therapy
Labels: life, random, thoughts
